Talking about what you enjoy in the bedroom isn't always easy. Maybe you're worried about hurting your partner's feelings, making things awkward or being judged for something you'd like to try.
You might even find yourself thinking, "They should just know what I like by now."
But the truth is, even the most loving, attentive partner isn't a mind reader. And what feels good to one person might not feel the same to another.
Learning to express what you enjoy isn't about criticising your partner or demanding something different. It's about giving them the opportunity to understand you better.
So, if you've ever wanted to ask for something but couldn't quite find the words, here's how to start.
1. Figure Out What You Actually Want
Before starting the conversation, take a moment to think about what you're hoping to communicate. Sometimes we know something is missing, but we haven't quite worked out what it is.
Are you wanting:
- More affection and physical touch?
- More time spent on intimacy and foreplay?
- To try a new position or experience?
- To introduce a toy into your relationship?
- More communication during intimate moments?
- Something to feel different from how it currently does?
You don't need to have everything figured out. But identifying what you'd like more of can make it easier to explain.
2. Choose the Right Moment
Timing can make a big difference to how comfortable a conversation feels. Bringing up something you'd like to change immediately after sex, during an argument or when your partner is stressed might unintentionally make them feel criticised.
Instead, choose a relaxed moment when you're both comfortable and have time to talk. This could be while cuddling on the couch, during a quiet evening together or when you're already having an open conversation about your relationship.
You don't need to announce that you're having a serious discussion about your sex life. Sometimes, keeping it casual makes it much easier.
Try saying:
"I've been thinking about something I'd love for us to try. Can I tell you about it?"
Or:
"Can I ask you something about what we both enjoy in the bedroom?"
Giving your partner a little warning allows them to be part of the conversation rather than feeling put on the spot.
3. Start With What You Enjoy, Not What's Missing
One of the easiest ways to ask for something is to build on an experience you already enjoy.
Compare these two approaches:
Instead of:
"You never spend enough time on foreplay."
Try:
"I really love when we take our time together. Could we do more of that?"
The first statement focuses on what your partner is doing wrong. The second explains what feels good and what you'd like more of.
Both communicate a similar need, but the second gives your partner something positive and specific to work with.
Here are a few more examples:
| Instead of saying... | Try saying... |
|---|---|
| "You never initiate anything." | "I love feeling wanted. It would mean a lot if you initiated sometimes." |
| "We always do the same thing." | "I'd love for us to explore something new together." |
| "You don't know what I like." | "Can I show you something that feels really good for me?" |
| "You always rush." | "I really enjoy it when we slow things down." |
The goal isn't to hide what you need. It's to communicate it in a way that invites connection rather than defensiveness.
4. Use These Conversation Starters
Sometimes the hardest part is simply getting the first sentence out. If you don't know where to begin, try one of these approaches.
When you want more of something
"I really loved when we did that last time. Could we try it again?"
"I've realised I really enjoy it when you..."
"Can we spend a little more time doing...?"
When you want to try something new
"I've been curious about something. Would you be interested in exploring it together?"
"I read about something that sounded fun. What do you think?"
"There's something I'd love to try with you, but I'm a little nervous to bring it up."
When you want something to feel different
"Can we try slowing down a little? I think I'd enjoy that more."
"Could we try something slightly different? I want to see how it feels."
"I think I'd enjoy it more if we..."
When you're feeling embarrassed
"This feels a little awkward to say, but I want to be more open with you."
"I'm nervous bringing this up, but I trust you and wanted to share something."
"I don't really know how to explain this yet, but can we talk about it?"
You don't need a perfectly rehearsed speech. Sometimes admitting that you're nervous is the easiest way to make the conversation feel more natural.
5. Don't Be Afraid to Guide Your Partner in the Moment
Not every conversation needs to happen outside the bedroom. Sometimes, the most useful communication happens while you're actually being intimate. Small, positive suggestions can help your partner understand what you're enjoying without interrupting the moment.
You could say:
- "Just like that."
- "A little slower."
- "I really like when you do that."
- "Can we stay like this for a bit?"
- "That feels good. Keep going."
- "Could we try something different?"
You can also guide your partner's hand, show them what you mean or explain what feels comfortable for you, provided you're both happy with that.
And remember, you're allowed to change your mind. Something you thought you'd enjoy might not feel quite right when you try it. It's completely okay to say:
"Actually, I don't think that's for me. Can we try something else?"
Communication isn't a one-time conversation. It's something you can keep practicing together.
6. What If Your Partner Doesn't React How You Hoped?
This is often the part people worry about most. What if they feel offended? What if they think they're not good enough? What if they simply aren't interested?
First, remember that sharing a desire doesn't mean your partner has to agree to it. You can express what you'd like, and they can have their own feelings, preferences and boundaries.
If your partner seems unsure, try asking:
"How do you feel about that?"
"Is there anything about it that makes you uncomfortable?"
"Would you like some time to think about it?"
If they're worried that your suggestion means you're unhappy with them, you might explain:
"I love being intimate with you. This isn't about something being wrong. I just thought it could be fun for us to explore."
And if their answer is no?
Respect it.
You can be disappointed without pressuring someone to change their mind. You can also keep talking about the underlying need, such as wanting more affection or variety, without insisting on a particular activity.
The aim is to find experiences you can both genuinely enjoy, not to convince someone to do something they don't want to do.
7. Make It a Two-Way Conversation
Once you've shared what you enjoy, give your partner the opportunity to do the same. You might be surprised by what you discover about each other.
Try asking:
"What do you wish we did more often?"
"Is there anything you've been curious about trying?"
"What's something I do that you really enjoy?"
"Is there anything that would make intimacy feel more comfortable for you?"
"What's one thing we could try together that sounds fun to both of us?"
You don't have to ask all these questions at once.
Even one can open the door to a conversation you might not have had otherwise.
And if you're both feeling a little awkward, that's okay too.
You can laugh, take a break or come back to the conversation another time.
The Bottom Line: Your Pleasure Matters, Too
Asking for what you like doesn't make you demanding, difficult or selfish. It means you're learning to understand your own desires and communicate them with someone you trust. And while the first conversation might feel a little uncomfortable, it often becomes easier with practice.
Start small. Be specific. Stay curious. Listen to each other. Because great intimacy isn't about magically knowing exactly what your partner wants. It's about feeling comfortable enough to discover it together.
